Unrequited love is a bitch!

Have you ever had a crush on someone who didn't return the feelings? Yeah, I feel like a schoo-girl.

To hell with reality and screw morality; I wanna dance with my shirt off!

I feel wonderful. The very best thing I can say for the moment is: "To Hell with Reality and screw morality! I wanna dance with me shirt off!"

Sometimes life becomes too much. We spend so much time doing the right and good things. We spend our efforts and our time making things happen and making others happy. If your a parent, a volunteer, a friend, a human being, you know what I'm talking about. Reality weighs heavy sometimes. Tonight, I gave reality the bird and it feels wonderful.

I have a list of things going on in my life that are weighing heavily on me. I can feel it bottling, mounting for a future eruption. So tonight I did something I haven't done in a long time.

I called up some friends I haven't seen in a long time (not my usual group of friends) and I went to a night club and danced with no inhibitions. We took our shirts off and didn't care. The amazingly loud music, the shirtless chests and tight pants, the fog machines and lazers, the smell of sweat and pherimones, shoulder to shoulder bumping and grinding. . . Totally made me forget my worries for a few hours and just be in the moment. It was Carnality at its best and I LOVED it!

Thank you Cody, Natalie, Rob and Bryson for a wonderful night. Lets do it again!

If you're being weighed down by life's pressures, I recomend a vacation, even if for a few hours. Take a step out of the box. Get out of your comfort zone. Do something spontaneous and enjoy a night off. Do it safely. Enjoy the moment.

I am so happy right now!

The following is a response to a friend's post that I felt was poignant and meaningful enough to deserve its own post on my blog.

Here are my thoughts:

I remember when I cuddled with a man for the first time. I was 22. Until that point I had never cuddled with another human being in my life. I was taught by the youth leaders in the LDS faith that cuddling was wrong. Cuddling leads to fornication. That was the mantra. In addition to my upbringing, I was also VERY inhibited by my own self-loathing fears of being gay. I intentionally denied myself the pleasures of physical intimacy with males AND females because I felt I was wicked and twisted in my homosexual desires.

SO, when a gay man (whom I refernced in a previous blog as "my first kiss", marcus) snuggled up to me for the first time, I was unprepaired for the intense borage of emotions and hormonal combustion.

That sets the stage and back-ground for the following response that I offered to a friend's blog about his ideas of male-on-male cuddling. He is a married man, with little experience in homosexual cuddling (like I was when i was 22). So he is still experiencing the "pre-cuddling" condition and posted a message that talked about the innocense of homosexual cuddling, which is a very cute idea to me. I decided to illaborate on this.

I suppose its only fair to provide the actual link. Just reference "Dichotomy" and his most recent blog post.

As a man who is very aware and accepting of my own sexuality and of my various states of sexual arrousal, I would be very curious to hear him tackle this same topic AFTER he's engaged in various cuddle-sessions with men. I agree with mostly all of his comments, except that his ideas regarding "male-on-male" cuddling to be a bit juvenile and naive. He approached cuddling with the expectation that it can be completely "non-sexual" and I think this is a very niave expectation. Sexual tension tends to sneak up on the male creatures even when it is least expected.

Now, let me illistrate something to help stir the pot. (I love this part)

On occasion I enjoy going dancing with my gay male friends. I never go alone and I never go with the intention of meeting a stranger at a dance-club. I am always with friends. A phenomenon happens while dancing on the floor. I end up dancing very closely with my dearest gay friends, whom I consider my brothers. While we would never engage in sexual behavior together, it is very common for all of us to become aroused while dancing together. We know it happens. It's a natural reaction. We don't draw any attention to it. It's just a very normal thing for all of us to be turned on while dancing together. In some ways it is a bonding experience. It affirms, validates our masculinity. It says "yep, I'm still gay and the plumbing works like normal. We're all normal gay men." And we enjoy the moment. Could this be construed as a "sexual experience?" I think it could be argued that way by some, but I have a different perspective on the phenomenon.

My point is, even if my friends and I are not explicitly engaged in sexual intimacy, it is certainly not a completely "non-sexual" experience. It's a sexually AFFIRMING experience to dance with another man. Lets compare that to cuddling. Take two male bodies and pu them in close proximity to one another.. .no add the catalyst of homosexual attractions. VOILÀ. (that's french. But as they say in spain- ERECCIÒN) But you are right in that it takes plenty of will and mental power to NOT engage in further sexual intimacy.

Here is my MAJOR point that I want everyone to consider.

Sexual arousal among gay men is much more of a "social" issue and a "male-bonding" issue. Arousal and sexual intimacy means something different for gay males than it does for heterosexual males. Since the issue of "marriage and procreation" is not a possibility for homosexual males, sex takes on a whole new meaning, its a different conotation. It's slightly less of a "amore' " meaning. It's more of a social meaning.

Consider the following:

I used to be soooo upset when friends, strangers or potential dates and romantic interests would ask me "are you a top or a bottom?" Because I looked at that statement as being purely a personal and intimate question. However, only last year I finally realized that being a "top" or a "bottom" simply denotes one's social status within the gay community. Tops don't date other tops because they know when the magic moment finally happens, there will not be a conflict. You see, heterosexuals do not have this problem. A man must never ask his female partner, "when having sex, do you prefer to penetrate or be penetrated?" You see how rediculous that sounds? But among "all male" populations, it becomes important. Its a social status-thing. . NOT a personal, intimate thing. I learned to NOT be so offended when I am asked about my sexual prefernce, because it is actually important to know, where my dating-life is concerned.

All my str8 readers are cringing now. . ha ha. Love ya Elizabeth. You so didn't ever want to wrap your brain around this.

So. . .next. . . is sex any less important to gay men than to heterosexual men? That is a very interesting question. . . one that I will leave open-ended for another post.

Please feel free to comment.

Jeromy



Consider that.

Silly Sobbing Gay Boys and Their Show Tunes

So I commute to work from SLC to Provo everyday. This morning I’m going over the point of the mountain when the lady in the car next to me glares at me and makes a face that says “who died?” Then I realized. . . someone DID die. It was Javer. I was listening to Les Miz and blubbering like a baby in my car on the hwy. People were watching this poor little gay dude getting all emotional over his showtunes. Sometimes I am so stereotypical.

Friend to Everyone, Lover of No-one!

Friend to Everyone, Lover of No-one

The theme of my life.

Making friends is like breathing. It comes naturally. I meet a nice guy and we’re friends for life. I enjoy friendship so much. I love having a large circle of great friends, brothers, and acquaintances. I go on lots of first dates and end up being “friends.” Good thing right? Yes, in a way. I am very blessed that way. The weird thing is. . . none of my dates result in romance. I end up being everyone’s friend OR they end up dating my friends instead or they become members of my social group “the escape.” Romance just isn’t ever a result with the guys I date.

So here’s how conversations usually go during a date or a casual meeting over coffee or jamba juice etc. When I date a nice guy, they find out that I’m a therapist, a counselor, a composer, violinist, writer, and volunteer etc. Then the compliments start flowing, but they aren’t the typical kind of compliments. They almost always are along these lines. “Wow, you’re so deep.” “Dang Jer- you’re so well-rounded.” “You’re such a good friend.” “You have such a calming spirit.” “I feel completely at ease with you.” “I feel like I can be completely honest with you.” And here’s my favorite. . .”Jer, you have an OLD spirit.”

And then when I hear from them next, I get “you have really nice friends. Can I hang out with you guys?” or “I want to join your group. How do I do that?”

WTF?!?!?

I would LOVE to be loved. I would like, for once, a date to actually be interested in ME as a person and not as a therapist, group leader or a friend. I would like for a date to be interested in ME and not in my friends.

Seriously people. . . . what is it about me that says I’m friend-material and not LOVER material?

Input wanted.

I have a hypothesis that I might be dating the wrong kind of people.

Laugh to Keep from Crying

So a certain dangerous thought crossed my mind tonight for the first time in 7 years. . .

"I wish I were dead"

(crickets)

WHOA JEROMY! Where did that come from?

I know right? As soon as I thought it, I had to laugh and follow up with "Wow, Jer you haven't had that thought in a long time. You're not suicidal!?!? Sowhat's the deal?"

I laugh. I laugh to keep the tears at bay. It's healthier to laugh. (who am I kidding? I cry too, but not until after midnight but lets say I'm always strong enough to hold back the tears. That just looks better.) So, I laugh at myself and my situation, because its so very human. I am just so very, very human. . and flawed. . . and prone to get crapped on by life. (now that's an image. . . a big certain kind of "life" stepping over me and crapping?)

That is why I laugh. But why would I think about dying? Because at certain points in my life I realise that I am alone. I have been rejected several times beyond one too many and I feel misunderstood and devalued.

I'll tell you what has led up to this. . . I am a walking contradiction, a flaw in the human genome, an anomaly in the natural order of fauna. If the human species depended on me to perpetuate its existance we'd have issues. Homosexuality doesn't make sense, and yet. . . . I'm down with it. I've accepted it and I'm cool. I have already gotten past all the emotional contradictions of morality and religion and such and I'm fine. I totally accept my peculiarities and embrace them.

Tonight I went to the Matis Family Fireside again. . . at least I started to. I showed up on time, exactly at 7pm. I went right to the front row and sat down. . by myself. I sat for 15 minutes and nobody seemed to be in a hurry to start. So all I could do was look around. I looked at all the clean-cut, innocent and struggling young men. A few thoughts went thru my head then. All of these boys are cute. All of them look like returned missionaries. All of them seem to be in the same situation. Some of them are here because they are sad and lonely and confused. Some of them are here to socialize and hang our with other str8-laced mormon gay boys. The vast majority of them are here because they want to STAY in full-fellowship with the LDS church and yet still be gay.

That's all fine. Then the thought crossed my mind. What if I want to be here for all of those reasons (which I did) but be sitting here next to another man who was also here for all these reasons and hold his hand and touch his knee when I feel particularly moved? (gasp) What a nice and natural thought. Why SHOULDN'T I turn to my lover and companion when I feel moved? My sister does it. My brother does it. But they're str8. If I came to a Matis Fireside to feel the spirit and sing hymns and mingle with other homosexuals who want to do the same thing, but bring my lover and express affection to him the way my brother and sister do to their lovers I'd get asked to leave. You know I'm right. Then I realized that I am on a totally different plane in this setting. An actual smile crossed my face and I laughed to myself. I would anger that group so fiercely because I would be able and willing to do what they are all LONGING to do but believe they can't. That's the point of the whole Matis Family Firesides. . . to learn to be happy about being gay in a church where it's not allowed. I really laughed when that crossed my mind because it marks a profound realization for me. I have moved on and don't seek or want the approval of these people. . . I was in the wrong place. I left quickly and deliberately.

But this liberating realization left behind one problem. Once again, there is no place for me. I don't belong. . . .yet again.

I feel a sense of loss, isolation, and rejection. I value life. I value beauty. I also value honesty and understand, which sadly seems to be in short supply these days. That is why I wanted to die tonight. This confused world doesn't understand me and perhaps when this life is over, I can finally put my guard down and be me. I feel I've been swimming upstream my whole life and I'm tired already. God bless the tired homos down here. We're misunderstood and lonely.

Playing for the wrong team

Consider for a moment the little boy playing soccer. He's wearing a blue jersey. He's smaller and less-sure on his feet than the other players but he has the ball. He dribbles it down field to the roar of the crowd. He kicks it in the goal and half of the crowd goes wild. The other half ignores him and looks at the ground in shame. The little ball player has scored for the wrong team.

I think I am that little ball player. I don't exactly feel at ease in the gay community. I don't embrace all of their ideals. I sometimes feel very small and unsure. But then I'm not altogether on the Mormon team either. I certainly don't agree with a lot of their ideals. Who's team am I on? When I try to win friends on either side, I'm losing on the other. One crowd roars while the opposite crowd ignores me and looks at the ground. So I keep running up and down the field, kicking goals for both teams and I am just EXHAUSTED!

Does anyone know what I'm talking about?

Sadly, I'm a kind of person who (stupidly) values acceptance of others. So I give it my best when others are watching. Sometimes when I'm among gays in the city, I have to be a certain kind of person to fit in. It's not a comfortable position for me to be in. But when I am with my conservative friends, str8 LDS friends included I have to bend my behavior and values in their direction to feel accepted.

Specifically, I have a personal example. Since all of my close friends moved up to the big city, leaving me in Provo (small Conservative college town) I sometimes find myself feeling lonesome. Lonesome is a particular feeling that I don't handle very well. I can do pain, anger, and malice, but lonesome. . . I loath that feeling. So I log on to web sites, I make phone calls and send texts. I start making plans just to avoid the quiet moments when I'm alone and feeling that terrible feeling of "lonesome." By the time I've gone on 3 dates in 2 days, made out with several pairs of lips and possibly pawned off my virtue to a couple of strangers, I've degraded myself a few levels. . . all to keep the space filled up so I avoid "lonesome." Where does that leave me? Let me tell you. . . "lonesome" catches up in those quiet moments, and its worse off after a weekend of trying to blend in with the gay crowd.

Sometimes all I want to do is talk and enjoy the sunset. I want to listen to good music and share stories about childhood. I want to go to a church meeting and then drive to the top of a mountain and consider the peaceful moments. I want to hold someone and be held in a healing embrace. I want to cry and not be embarrassed. I want to identify with a fellow-believer and share testimony. I want to hike to the top of the cliff with a friend and throw a paper airplane off it. I want to kiss someone and be kissed back and feel like I'm being uplifted and not down-graded. The guys I meet don't like these things. Most gay men drink. They want to skip to the make-out session. They don't want to pay for dinner, or let me pay. They're non-committal. They have no concept of God. They are bitter. They aren't accepting of their own sexuality. They care way too much about the way they look or the way I look. They don't like conversation (cuz guys don't talk- gee I shoulda thought of that before I decided to be gay right?). So pretty much everything I want or wish I could enjoy in the presence of a decent man, it just a fairytale.

I have made some friends recently that tell me I'm special. I am thinking of about 5 new friends who say that I'm different from most other guys. They pay me compliments that I really enjoy. They say they want to be friends. They buy me dinner and tell me I am always welcome in their home, because they trust me. All of these things are so appealing to me. Yet, all of these 5 new friends have eventually propositioned me for casual cuddling sessions and just plain sex. In some cases I have indulged them because I want to keep hearing the compliments and feeling the acceptance (is it real?). I am now in a sad state, because I have let down my guard enough that I am even defining myself by these less-than uplifting relationships. I'm a ho. That's my fault. I have been playing on their team. . . scoring for them because I like to feel included.

"Jeromy," I say to myself. "What's going on here? 1) Why are you so eager to please those who applaud your unique virtue and then degrade it? 2) What is it about you that makes you so appealing to these kinds of people? Finally, 3)what are you doing to make yourself available to such friends? Aren't there other avenues to explore, more wholesome and good?"

All very good questions

I realize this is very personal. I heard from some other friends recently that this is not a unique problem. We all play for the wrong team at some points in our lives, and we feel badly about it later. One friend of mine decided recently to erase his profiles on all gay dating websites, because he felt he was devalued by the gay community. So, I see I am not alone in this. I am honest enough with myself to make an example of my life, if it proves a point.

1) Why do I please those who applaud my virtue just to take advantage of it? Because I am bitter against the team I WANT to play for. I am angry at my rightful team. I feel I have been sold out, unwillingly and I feel already degraded and powerless. I speak of the LDS faith. I speak of its members and my friends who are of that faith. I have profound feelings of betrayal and abandonment. Accepting their love and praise sometimes feels like voluntarily drinking poison from their glass. I have a hard time with love and praise because it has too often been tainted with bigotry and hypocrisy. The alternative, is to cater to those on the other team, the only gay team, who accept me for what I am. Sadly their acceptance forces me to fit their mold and ideals, one that makes me feel dirty. Eventually I start acting like them. . .dirty.

2) What makes me appealing? I think its the talents and inner-light that I refined while once still in the fellowship of the gospel. I have faith. I'm optimistic. I value family. I play several instruments. I write fiction, poetry and music. I am constantly striving for my better self. I still pray. I have try to lift others up and encourage love and happiness. I learned all of these things from a great example. . . my father and mother. . and from a church which teaches faith on Christ. All of this is appealing to others who don't have the same upbringing. It fascinates them that one of their own could be accepting of this down-trodden state of homosexuality and yet still maintain all the positive parts that the LDS faith has afforded. (geeze jer- no wonder you're feeling bad. Whose team are you on? Do you even know?)

3) What am I doing to make myself available to those who like me, but don't value the things I do? Good question. I work all day long in a very conservative office where every single co-worker is LDS. I come home and turn on my computer and immediately log on to 5 different dating webpages while I cook dinner. I do this because I guess i am desperate (no kidding Sherlock) for friends who might possibly understand me. Over and over again, I think I've met someone who knows how I feel, and eventually I realize they're just like everyone else. They don't really get me. No-one does.

k guys. . I'm feeling a little like poo here.

I am playing for the wrong team, but the right one is so darn mean. You tell me, what is a guy supposed to do?

(Dang Jer- you sure know how to bring us down. Pick a brighter topic next time, mkay?)