Monday, May 4, 2009

Laugh to Keep from Crying

So a certain dangerous thought crossed my mind tonight for the first time in 7 years. . .

"I wish I were dead"


WHOA JEROMY! Where did that come from?

I know right? As soon as I thought it, I had to laugh and follow up with "Wow, Jer you haven't had that thought in a long time. You're not suicidal!?!? Sowhat's the deal?"

I laugh. I laugh to keep the tears at bay. It's healthier to laugh. (who am I kidding? I cry too, but not until after midnight but lets say I'm always strong enough to hold back the tears. That just looks better.) So, I laugh at myself and my situation, because its so very human. I am just so very, very human. . and flawed. . . and prone to get crapped on by life. (now that's an image. . . a big certain kind of "life" stepping over me and crapping?)

That is why I laugh. But why would I think about dying? Because at certain points in my life I realise that I am alone. I have been rejected several times beyond one too many and I feel misunderstood and devalued.

I'll tell you what has led up to this. . . I am a walking contradiction, a flaw in the human genome, an anomaly in the natural order of fauna. If the human species depended on me to perpetuate its existance we'd have issues. Homosexuality doesn't make sense, and yet. . . . I'm down with it. I've accepted it and I'm cool. I have already gotten past all the emotional contradictions of morality and religion and such and I'm fine. I totally accept my peculiarities and embrace them.

Tonight I went to the Matis Family Fireside again. . . at least I started to. I showed up on time, exactly at 7pm. I went right to the front row and sat down. . by myself. I sat for 15 minutes and nobody seemed to be in a hurry to start. So all I could do was look around. I looked at all the clean-cut, innocent and struggling young men. A few thoughts went thru my head then. All of these boys are cute. All of them look like returned missionaries. All of them seem to be in the same situation. Some of them are here because they are sad and lonely and confused. Some of them are here to socialize and hang our with other str8-laced mormon gay boys. The vast majority of them are here because they want to STAY in full-fellowship with the LDS church and yet still be gay.

That's all fine. Then the thought crossed my mind. What if I want to be here for all of those reasons (which I did) but be sitting here next to another man who was also here for all these reasons and hold his hand and touch his knee when I feel particularly moved? (gasp) What a nice and natural thought. Why SHOULDN'T I turn to my lover and companion when I feel moved? My sister does it. My brother does it. But they're str8. If I came to a Matis Fireside to feel the spirit and sing hymns and mingle with other homosexuals who want to do the same thing, but bring my lover and express affection to him the way my brother and sister do to their lovers I'd get asked to leave. You know I'm right. Then I realized that I am on a totally different plane in this setting. An actual smile crossed my face and I laughed to myself. I would anger that group so fiercely because I would be able and willing to do what they are all LONGING to do but believe they can't. That's the point of the whole Matis Family Firesides. . . to learn to be happy about being gay in a church where it's not allowed. I really laughed when that crossed my mind because it marks a profound realization for me. I have moved on and don't seek or want the approval of these people. . . I was in the wrong place. I left quickly and deliberately.

But this liberating realization left behind one problem. Once again, there is no place for me. I don't belong. . . .yet again.

I feel a sense of loss, isolation, and rejection. I value life. I value beauty. I also value honesty and understand, which sadly seems to be in short supply these days. That is why I wanted to die tonight. This confused world doesn't understand me and perhaps when this life is over, I can finally put my guard down and be me. I feel I've been swimming upstream my whole life and I'm tired already. God bless the tired homos down here. We're misunderstood and lonely.


Anonymous said...

You need to leave Utah. It's as wrong for you as the Mathis group and you will always be finding oposition and greater than thou fingers pointing at you there. The rest of the world is not so bad. Lets start applying for jobs elsewhere, huh?

Anonymous said...

But I'm so glad that reality hit you in the face, as hard as it must have been...

Anonymous said...

I just read a book to Benjamin that made me think of you- so, go out to the library and get this book! It was written for you! "I knew you could!" by Craig Dorfman, illustrated by Crstina Ong. Grosset and Dunlap 2003

It's about choosing your own Track and tooting your own horn and being proud to be a train instead of a plane or a car and to not second guess your own track and enjoy it- know you're on the right one and all that!

Evan said...

I don't think there is anything wrong staying in Utah... I believe the best chance of finding people like you who want similar things would in fact be in Utah.

Anyways, the thought of leaving the Church has crept through my mind several times. But each time it does, I consider what other options I have. There is no other religious organization like ours. I wouldn't fit in anywhere!

Oh what to do.. :(

ammon said...

I really just want to say thanks for posting this. Its hard to explain the overwhelming feeling of loneliness that eats away at you inside. The truth is though, you aren't alone!

Alan said...

Definitely not alone Jeromy. I've never been to a Matis Fireside, living where I do, but frankly haven't felt any great desire to go either. I'm sure the Matises are wonderful people and even so I just can't comprehend their attitude that they'd rather have their son dead than living in a committed relationship. And everything you've described about those legions of guys there longing to do what you describe, that's exactly how I have thought of them too. So I don't see the point either.

I just found your blog, BTW, and read your profile. I am a huge musician myself, I would love to hear more about what you do. Send me a note!