God: Ok jumpers (claps hands together) We're gonna have a great jump today! I want all of you to grab a parachute and a handbook. These two things will be your only lifeline on your way down. They will ensure you hit the ground safely and have a thrilling ride on the way. (paces the cargo hull) You will find there are two colors of parachutes. Pick one and group up. I want the blues to stand behind the illuminated arrows on the floor, ready to jump out of the right side. (points with 2 fingers) The pinks ready to jump out of the left (points with 2 fingers). Make sure your handbook matches the color of your chute. There is no rectifying that situation, after you jump, should you mess it up. Find your chutes and handbooks on my mark. AND Three. . two. . (deep inhale- blows whistle).
God: We don't have all eternity jumpers! Group up.
Jesus: They look to be ready sir!
God: It is good! Ok jumpers, you have your chutes and your handbooks well in order. I want you to listen carefully to my instructions. Jesus here will demonstrate while I explain the procedure. Your chute is worn like so. Your handbook must be read and understood in order to operate your chute correctly. You may start reading it AFTER you jump, but BEFORE you hit the ground. Should you botch this up, there is no second chance.
Jesus: Sir, we're nearing the drop zone.
God: Ok jumpers! This is it. One last thing before you go. The way your chute deploys depends on your color. Blues, make sure to read your instructions. Get familiar with your equipment. Play around with it. Have some fun. Then land safely the way you're supposed to. PINKS! I want you to read your handbook and don't try any funny business. Your equipment works differently from the blues. It's a little harder to play around with and not as fun, but you'll figure it out. Land safely!
Jesus: We've reached it sir! The drop zone!
God: Here we go jumpers! This is it. See you at base camp. Pinks, you'll be first at everything starting now. On my mark. Four- Three- Two (blows whistle)
(doors open, floors drop out. . pinks plunge out of sight)
God: Ok blues, with the pinks gone I have one thing to say to you. The pinks equipment is more complicated . . but it will outlast yours. Your equipment is much less complicated and will get you to the ground faster but its design is capable of more tricks . . Have fun but don't get crazy! On my mark. Three- Two- One (blows whistle)
(doors open, floors drop out. . blues plunge out of sight)
God: There they go! Another smooth deployment. Hope they all make it safely to the ground.
Jesus: ahem. Uh, sir. What about them?
God: what do you mean? What about who?
Jesus: That group over there, sir.
God: Don't' be ridiculous. There are no other. . .OH, Jesus!
Jesus: What sir?
God: Oh I meant "Jesus!" as an expletive.
Jesus: Yes sir.
God: Right then. Why are they still here?
Jesus: We appear to be out of parachutes sir.
God: Nonsens. You mean we're out of PINK AND BLUE parachutes. We brought just enough pink and blue parachutes for only 95% of the jumpers.
God: Ok fine, give or take 3 percent.
Jesus: So these jumpers don't get a pink or blue parachute?
God: (To Jesus) Follow my lead. (to jumpers) Right. Now YOU jumpers are the lucky saps to get neither a pink nor a blue parachute but rather something else. (whispers to Jesus) bring out the crate with a big question mark on it. (to jumpers) In this crate you will find your parachutes. They haven't been tested and we're not sure how they work but you'll figure it out. See you at the bottom. Ready to jump on my mark- AND three- two-
Jumper: WAIT! That's it? That's all we get? The pinks and blues got a pep talk. What about OUR "have fun but don't get crazy" bit?
God: Right. Uh. You will find that your parachutes are neither pink nor blue. . but rather a mish-mash of both pink AND blue and a variety other colors as well. And I can't rightly tell you how your's operates because I don't rightly know. But have fun. AND three- two-
Jumper: WAIT! What about our handbooks? Shouldn't we, at least, get some instructions on how our equipment works?
God: Jesus, answer me when I call for you.
Jesus: Oh sorry sir. I thought you were using me as an expletive again.
God: Point taken. Jesus, where are the handbooks?
Jesus: I don't know sir. These chutes don't seem to have any.
God: Very well. ahem. Ok Jumpers. . uh. . . No handbooks for you. Just, uh, figure out how your equipment works, on your own, and be quick about it.
Jumper: No handbooks sir?
God: No handbooks. You will be accountable for everything the blues and pinks are accountable for and have the same amount of time to reach the ground. Don't expect any help from your preceding pinks and blues. They have no idea a non-pink-or-blue parachute even exists.
Jesus: You knew about this all along, sir?
God: That has never been confirmed or denied.
Jesus: Don't you think, sir, that these jumpers deserve more?
God: Jumpers. I am fully confident that these chutes will get you to the ground just as well as a pink or blue parachute. Keep in mind that if you do not figure out how it works, there is no second chance. You have only a limited amount of time. On my mark. AND three-
Jumpers: (unison) WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!
God: Two- One- (blows whistle)
(doors open. floors drop out. rainbow-colors plunge out of sight)
Jesus: Don't you think that was a little unfair sir?
God: Don't worry Jesus, I can see all. One out of four of them will never figure it out and will attempt to sabotage their chutes. Many will succeed and fall to their deaths. The rest will have a hard landing and scatter across the ground. Most will wish never to see me or you again and will give up the desire to fly completely. Those who still wish to fly when its over will get talked out of it by the others. Don't worry- we'll never hear from any of them again.
Jesus: I'm surprised. I sort of envisioned something else.
God: You have a better idea? They're already out the door.
Jesus: Just one, sir. (puts on a blue parachute and ties a patch of rainbow-colored fabric to his wrist) They need help sir. See you at base. On MY mark. Three- two- one-
(God bites his lip, nods and blows whistle)